He scowls like an insomniac owl. And his gym-baked muscles are extremely useful in death-defying tussles. So meet this hit man who walks all around the city and never ever gets a sun tan. Naturally because only Salman Khan can..do that.

He’s this guy with an ever-bang-a-bang gun, killing human beings as if they were mosquitoes. Swat, swat, you’re dead. That’s Wanted, directed by the dancing wonder Prabhudeva who helmed its Tamil version too. Now that itself was remade from Pokiri, its Telugu original. Plenty or remaking going on out there of a plot that’s pure blood-swat-and-tears. Wham.

As the body count multiples faster than rabbits, you give up trying to make sense of the screenplay (if there was one) which goes totally gaga about Mr Muscles. He drops lines like, “I have a severe allergy to tears,” rekindling Rajesh Khanna’s classic,“I hate tears.” In effect though, Salman Khan here is made out to be like one of those invincible heroes of yore who spilled buckets of gore -- be it the totally convincing Dharmendra or his arch-foe Vinod Khanna. Only our New Millennium goonster believes exclusively in maar diya jaaye, no chhod diya jaaaye for him. A sign of the merciless times maybe.

Incidentally, Vinod Khanna shows up as the owner of an aerobics school. A rather awkward role for him and for us to accept. Other retro-references – absolutely inadvertent – are Govinda and Anil Kapoor showing up to shake a leg, along with Prabhudeva who demonstrates that no one can still dance like him in India. That one-minute Prabhudeva jig is the only goose-pimple moment.

The rest, sorry to say, is a  junkfest. Muscles Khan is enmeshed in gang rivalry, breaks into Travolta steps at a dance fiesta dominated by Ukrainian blondes. And also spews venom at an international don who goes around announcing, “I’m an international Dhhhon.”

This role, by the way, is essayed by this year’s Best Actor National Award Winner Prakash Raj. His most challenging scene here, by the way, is to pucker up his lips tantalisingly at the honest-as-Abe-Lincoln police commissioner (dear Govind Namdeo). Commissioner saab is a Muslim for that secular element. Thanks.

Aren’t you missing the ladies? You bet. Musclesji, after decades of abstinence, falls in love with a – you guessed right – a  call centre employee (Ayesha Takia). She tells him to reform, he tells her to buzz off. She even taxes his gallantry on asking him, “Aren’t I fit?”, and the man actually looks her up and down, and says, “Yes.” Liar, liar.

To crowd the scenario some more, there’s a nasty, paan-chomping cop (Mahesh Manjrekar, gross). Occasionally, this creep wants your heroine to become his mistress, and at other times, he flirts with her mom. “What a wonderful building you must have been if your ruins are so shapely,” Manjrekar goes lech-lech.

Meaning everyone’s having a rough time here, except for a tubby comedian (Manoj Pahwa) outfitted like a baby panda for that near-obsolete comedy track. For 18 reels, the malarkey continues, the finale breaking some sort of dubious record for the sheer display of violence. How your bones ache.

Since this bulletfest took a while to complete, it does look dated and hazy at points, especially the opening portions. The cinematography, editing and music are strictly so-so.

Sure, Salman Khan strives to be uber cool;  it’s only because of his star presence that you watch this potty pourri. Otherwise, for most of those seeking three hours of a chill-out at the multiplex, Wanted is about as desirable as bullets-‘n’-guns in your boudoir.